I Am Tired Of Always Being Your Last Choice

I am tired of being strong the whole time and pretending that I got it all. I never wanted to be a woman like this.

I never planned to be someone’s maybe, someone’s last option. But in the blink of an eye, I found myself here, crawling in front of you and begging for some love. I was wondering why you couldn’t love me the way I loved you. I was so easy to love but you refused to see that. You always treated me like someone who will be there for you no matter what you do. You liked the feeling that there is someone who loves you even if you don’t love them.

Your ego was boosted every time I would call you late at night in my moments of insanity, asking you why you don’t want to love me back and why you are pushing me away. Then, when you would smile and tell me that I should go to bed, I realized how little I meant to you. And you meant the whole world to me.

Every time when you would neglect me, I died inside. Every time you would look at another girl, my whole world would fall apart. Every time you would say that you are happy with someone new in your life, I would lose any hope that I will be with you.

I desperately wanted to hear that you love me just like I loved you. But I never heard those words coming out of your mouth. And when I asked you if we can be more than friends, you just said ‘maybe’. For you, once more I was the last option—your last choice who would be there when all of your so-called friends left you.

I was supposed to be the one who will comfort you in your moments of sorrow but who will never be able to wipe the tears from your cheeks. I was supposed to be the one who will tell you that everything will be okay but who will never be able to hug you. I was just a woman who you would come to every time when it was convenient for you. And every time you called, I would come without thinking about my pride. Because of you, I forgot to cherish myself. I always put you first but that was my biggest mistake.

I don’t know why I settled for someone who never knew my true value. I don’t understand why I accepted to be your last choice in the first place. Maybe I was so much in love that I didn’t pay attention to that. And no matter how much I think about that, I can’t find reasons good enough to explain why it took me so much to get rid of putting you first. But I somehow managed to do that, even if that meant letting you go out of my life. I knew that I had been holding onto something that didn’t exist anymore. And it was enough!

So, I gave up!
And I didn’t do that because I failed but because I learned.

I learned that it was time to stop putting others first because I am the only priority in my life. I learned that others will never respect me if I don’t respect myself enough. I realized that no matter what you said, I was more than enough. I was worthy of your love but you never wanted to admit that.

From now on, I have a totally different outlook on life. I don’t look at myself in the mirror and think that I am the unlovable one. Now, I think that I deserve all the love and affection of this world. I am no longer interested in being someone’s ‘maybe’, someone’s last choice like I was to you.

I am not interested in being part of a one-sided love anymore—the love where I was the one who was always giving and never receiving.

I am done being in love with the man who couldn’t even give me a chance to show him my love. I don’t want to waste my time on someone who will never accept me the way I am.

If I already was your second choice, then you definitely don’t deserve to be my first. Never again!