If I Had Given You A Taste Of Your Own Medicine, You Would Have Walked Away Too

You think walking away is easy, but it’s not. It’s the hardest thing there is, you know. Have you ever tried to walk away from the person you loved more than yourself? Have you ever walked away when your heart begged you to stay? If you have, you would never have thought that walking away is easy.

I wanted to stay. All I ever wanted in my life was to be with you. And all I needed was one reason good enough to make me stay. But I couldn’t find one. Can you see the way you treated me when there wasn’t a single reason that I could find to change my mind?

Now that I look back, I can see how badly I was treated. Only now that I’m far away from you, only now that the distance helps me to see more clearly, am I able to see how I allowed you to treat me badly.

Nothing I ever did was enough or good or right. Nothing I ever did could make you smile, could wake up that lovely side of you I saw once, a long time ago. At some point I remember I asked myself if you were hurting me on purpose. I asked myself if it made you happy to see me miserable. Because it seemed like you were hurting me deliberately. It seemed like you were doing everything in your power to make me go away.

My efforts were not seen, my feelings were irrelevant, I didn’t exist in your world until you needed someone to be there for you. Only then did you remember me. Only then you came to me. Because I was the only one who was there even in your darkest days. But once things got back to normal, it didn’t matter. It didn’t stop you from treating me like I was worth nothing once again.

Perhaps you took me granted because I showed you how much you meant to me. Because I couldn’t hide my feelings and because I wore my heart on my sleeve. Maybe you thought I’d stay no matter what. That I wouldn’t leave you until my last breath, that you’d always have someone to run to when there was no one else there for you. And I admit that this is what I showed you. But I wasn’t counting on the pain, you know?

I never counted on the fact that loving you could hurt so much. I never thought that I could lose myself in the battle for the person I loved. But obviously you can when the person you love is the person who has a gun pointed at you.

And you never counted on me having feelings either. You never thought about how I could actually get to my breaking point, from which there would be no going back. You never thought that what you did to me would be too much of a burden to carry. You never thought I’d actually walk away.

But for once, try to walk in my shoes. For once, just think about it. Would you have stayed with me if I had treated you the way you treated me? Would you have stayed despite the pain? Would you have stuck by my side even when I was bad, even if I had pushed you to the ground, even if I had compared you to others and constantly made you feel like you were not good enough? If I had given you a taste of your own medicine, you wouldn’t have stayed either.

But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t treat a human being the way you treated me. I couldn’t because I knew how much it hurt. So I chose another way. I chose to walk away.

And I didn’t just walk away. I ran away. It was a race for my life, honestly it was. And since that day I haven’t asked myself once if the decision was right. Because I know if I had stayed, things would’ve ended up badly for me.