Dealing With a Possessive Man
You’ll have a hard time finding a woman that’s never dealt with a possessive man. Some of them send you hundreds of texts a day, while others won’t let you go anywhere without them. What they all have in common is that their behavior makes you doubt your relationship. Should you work harder or take a step back? Possessiveness can be both a phase and someone’s defining characteristic. It can be pretty hard to tell the difference between the two, which is why you should first try to understand why it happens in the first place.
Why is he so possessive?
It’s not an indicator of the love he feels for you. A lot of women make the mistake of seeing it that way. They tell themselves their boyfriends are so jealous only because they love them so much. This is far from the truth since the true nature of possessive behavior is actually negative.
It’s the manifestation of his insecurity. Men are much more insecure than we think. They’ve been raised to compete with others for both social status and female affection. This is why they’re more oriented towards proving their worth than most women are. Your boyfriend’s insecurity could be the result of many different factors, including his past experiences and sense of self-worth. It could also have something to do with you being almost or completely out of his league. Either way, his possessiveness is far from romantic.
But it can be both harmless and manipulative. As we’ve already said, it could be something he needs to process or an integral part of him as a person. Is there any way to tell them?
Should you take his behavior as a sign you shouldn’t be together?
He doesn’t take no for an answer. Your boyfriend wants to know every single thing you did that day, who you were with and what you were talking about. You’re tired of answering such questions, but he simply won’t give up. If it’s the constant texting, he doesn’t listen to you when you tell him you seriously want him to stop.
He’s trying to isolate you from your friends. He can’t seem to stand the idea of you going somewhere without him. That’s why he started by inviting himself even when you didn’t want him there. Then he started trying to convince you not to go anywhere, especially not with male friends. He’s slowly trying to isolate you so he can have you all to himself.
He’s making you feel guilty all the time. It’s not enough that you devote all that time and energy to him, he starts every date by talking about how sad and lonely he was without you. You can’t help but feel guilty all the time because you know what he’ll say the next time you see him.
He makes decisions for you. It all started with pretty harmless stuff, such as ordering food and drinks. But now he seems to think it’s his right to decide where you’ll go, what you’ll wear, what’s good for you…
If your boyfriend is like that, it might be best to end the relationship, since his behavior is showing signs of pathological possessiveness. On the other hand, if he’s not really trying to control you, chances are you two can work it out and eventually become a great couple.
What to do to make the relationship work?
Introduce him to all your friends. Your boyfriend will probably be jealous at all of them, regardless of whether he’s actually met them. This is why you shouldn’t refuse to let him come to any of your group gatherings, at least not in the beginning. Once he’s met them all, you can start mentioning your friends and letting him know none of them is any threat to him.
Reassure him when he starts feeling insecure. You’ll probably see it as him being possessive again, but try to keep in mind he’s actually showing you his weaknesses. Instead of making him feel bad about them, be as understanding as possible. Tell him what he needs to hear – that you really like him and care about him. You’ll make him feel less insecure, which will result in better behavior.
Tell him about your own possessive feelings. If he’s not really trying to control you, he probably feels just as bad about his behavior as you do. That’s why you should talk about how you feel when you see him with other women. You’ll let him know you think a certain level of possessiveness is normal and that he doesn’t have to feel like a freak.
List the things he does that bother you. Don’t just tell him he’s being possessive – that’s way too vague for him to know what he’s doing wrong. Instead, make a list of things he does that bother you. Make sure every item on the list is as clear as possible. Whenever you notice an improvement in his behavior, make sure to compliment him or thank him in some way.
Make him talk about his insecurities. Your relationship will never flourish until you start working on whatever’s causing your boyfriend’s possessiveness – his insecurities. He’ll probably be strongly against that, but you should do your best to get him to talk. One way to speed up the process is to share something intimate with him before asking him to do the same. If you do all this, chances are you two will build a strong relationship.
