I Let You In And You Destroyed Me

I wish I was this brave before. I wish I could’ve said these things to your face when I had the chance. That day when you took what was left of me and destroyed it with one single sentence. When you took years we shared together and turned them into dust. Into nothing.

‘I don’t love you and I never did!’

They are still echoing in my mind, you know that? When I wake up in the morning and look myself in the mirror, I can hear them. When I go to sleep alone in my bed, I can hear them. When I’m standing under the shower, where my tears are mixing with the water, I can hear them.

When music is blasting in my headphones, I can still hear them! No matter how loud it plays, they are always louder.

Why did you choose me? Out of all people, why me? Out of all the women who were ready to open up for you, and God knows there were tons of them, just like I was. It was me you wanted. It was me you needed, like you said. And I can no longer pretend that I don’t know why I was the one.

I gave you my love and you fed off of it.

I hoped for too long that my friends were wrong. I even blamed them for putting ideas in my head, but they were right all along. You were nothing but a sadist who enjoyed other people’s pain. My pain. I bet it was amusing to you to make me relive my deepest fears and traumas.

I bet you were laughing your ass off every time you would make fun of my scars, like I didn’t hate them enough. They are so ugly, you kept saying. Why don’t you cover them with some makeup, you kept asking. But scars you can hide, an ugly soul you cannot. Scars you can learn to love, but a psychopath never.

You knew the love I had for you would keep me silenced. You knew that love I had for you would be enough to get what you wanted. But what was it? Was it my pain? Tears on my face? Or the expression of ultimate despair when you said that famous sentence? Right after I asked about her.

I died two times that day. The first time when I saw you with her and the second time when you said you never loved me. All of the things I believed were truth were nothing more than a cruel lie. All of the dreams I hoped to come true someday shattered in front of my eyes.

I gave you my trust and you used it to play games.

I wish I could say that I had my doubts about your infidelity. I wish I could say that deep down, I knew you were just another lying bastard. Just another narc in the world who goes around fucking up people’s lives. But I had no idea. I never saw it coming.

Till the last day, I kept dreaming about a brighter tomorrow and a day when I would be proud to have your name. I kept dreaming about all those promises you made me. About us finally being a family. About us finally being under the same roof, in the same bed and in the same universe.

But your ego is just too big to fit in anyone else’s universe—you need one of your own. Your evil is too dark and too thick for anyone to survive it. But just like the night, it comes after the most amazing sunset.—when you are still lost in the warmth of the sun and the most amazing colors on the sky.

You did the same to me. I was still warm from your last hug and I could still taste the coffee from your lips on mine. I could still smell your aftershave on my pillow. But in that moment, I lost all of my senses. In that moment I was no longer warm nor I was cold. I was hollowed and you were laughing. I was broken and you were empowered.

I guess for you it felt good to know that you have so much power over someone, just because they love you. How did it feel to look at my eyes and lie? How did it feel knowing that you can break me with one sentence? How did it feel to see the joy on my face, knowing that it’s fake?

I gave you myself and you broke me.

All of me. All of my past, all of my present and all of my future. It was all yours and I was happy that I got to give it to you. I was so happy to finally find someone I will love like my parents love each other. Like couples in movies love each other. Like writers love their muses.

You had all of me, but I had none of you. Now that I look back, I don’t think you were ever honest with me. You got me with that sad little story about how your father cheated on your mother and neglected you and your brother. You got me with that story about how you will never be like him, how you will never mistreat the mother of your child.

I was so happy you could talk to me. I was so happy that I could help you with your pain, with your memories that were haunting you. Now I just wish I never met you. You dumped it all on me, until I could no longer take anymore of it. You stretched me all over your crazy mind, until I could no longer take it, until I finally broke. And that was when you decided your job is done.

That was when you realized you needed a new victim. When your games pushed me over the edge into a pit of my depression and anxiety. When your manipulations handed me right over to my demons to finish your work. I wish that you had never been born, that you had never crossed paths with mine. I wish many things, but none of them will ever come true.

I let you in and you destroyed me.

You raided all across my heart, doing what you pleased. Took what you needed and gave nothing in return. Hollowed me without even offering to fix it. Broke me without even looking back on me. Now that I think about it, I thank the gods that you never did. I don’t think I would’ve made it out alive if you had looked back. I don’t think I would’ve had anything left worth fighting for if you came back.

Now I do. I’m fighting to never be there again. I’m fighting to never be broken like I was after you. I’m fighting to never be manipulated like I was with you. And I’m fighting to never read another story like mine, to never hear about someone being destroyed like I was. And I will keep on fighting, just so men like you never get another chance to do what you did to me.