You Said You Loved Me, But Your Actions Spoke Differently

There should be some kind of law that prevents people from saying they love you if they don’t really mean it, if they are unable to back it up with their actions. For me, saying those words is a serious thing. “I love you” is more than empty words. When I say I love you, it means that I am all in, that my actions will speak louder than those three words.

I am broken now because you misunderstood the meaning of the words, “I love you.”

The very first time you said you loved me, I was left speechless. It was way too soon. We had been going out for a couple of months. I know time doesn’t measure feelings but you need some time together to differentiate love from being ‘in love’. But you said it so confidently, you seemed so sure of those words, that I had no other option than to believe you and let my guard down.

The more time we spent together, the deeper I was falling in love with you. I couldn’t believe that there was someone in this world who could understand me the way you did. You made an effort to show me that I was the most beautiful and most unique woman alive.

That’s why it’s hard for me to grasp the situation that came afterwards.

Why did all that love you were showing me at first come down to just words?

You were good with your words, I‘ll give you that. You could talk your way out of any situation. You would manipulate me into forgiving you in no time. You would make promises that would soothe my anger, that would silence my intuition that was telling me something was off. I would hold on to your every word like they were sacred. I believed you because my heart wanted to believe you.

Sometimes, days would pass by and I wouldn’t hear from you. You would tell me you were busy. Just hearing the word ‘busy’ would be so irritating that it’s hard to describe. I knew that nobody was that busy. I knew that when somebody really cared, they would find the time. But I would let your words slide.

I would even make some excuses all by myself, just to justify your shitty behavior. Busy had that domino effect. Firstly, you were too busy to stay in touch and then you were too busy to spend time with me. When you weren’t working, you had places to go and people to see. And that wouldn’t have bothered me at all if you had found some time for me. Of course you have other people in your life but why was I always the last one on your list? I should have been first if all the love you said you felt for me was real.

You would rarely come to me, and only when you needed someone to talk to or when you were feeling down because you knew I would understand. You knew I would always be there, no matter what. You would come to me when it was convenient for you. It was never when I asked or when I needed you. And I needed you often; not to play the role of my psychologist, to help me with my problems, but to be there like I was for you. To hug me when everything was falling apart.

Sadly, you were one of the main reasons why everything was falling apart in my life. I had to beg for your time. I had to beg for your attention. I had to beg for those hugs that could make everything in this world seem right again.

When I would speak to you about things I would have liked us to do or places I wished we would go to, or even some family reunions where I wanted you to come with me, you would say, “Of course we will,” or, “We’ll see,” or, “We’ll make plans. I don’t know now.” And nothing would happen. You were always too busy.

If I contradicted you, you would always put the blame on me. I had no understanding. I was needy. You were doing your best. But you weren’t really. You were giving me your bare minimum. You were giving me just enough to hold on to. You made me hold on to you because you swore you loved me but you never did anything to back it up.

This went on for so long until I could no longer hold on to your words. I felt so lonely even though officially, I was in a relationship. But in reality, you were nowhere to be found. You had no time for me. You had no love for me no matter how many times you had said it.

I got tired of waiting, of crying my heart out and hoping something would change. I got tired of waiting for you to be the man you always said you were.

I wanted all those words backed up with actions. I didn’t want to hear, “I love you” anymore—I wanted to feel that love. I wanted you to show me what those words really meant. But I guess they didn’t mean anything to you.

Love is not about convenience. It is not about making someone miserable and giving only your minimum. Love is not about lame excuses. If you had made an effort to do all the things you were talking about, we would still be together. We would’ve made it.

Love is not just about saying it. Love is not about empty words and false promises. Love is being there for someone you care about. Giving them your attention, your affection and making time when there is no time for anything else, because they are the one who matters.