I Refuse To Apologize For Finally Putting Myself First

Do you know the funniest part about us ending things? You actually had the nerve to say that you’re broken one, that you’re hurt. You had the nerve to say that I left you for dead and moved on without ever looking back.

I wish I had, I wish I could’ve done it the way you told everyone I did. I wish I was the bad guy, but I’m not. Because for months, you drained me, for months you took away parts of me however you pleased. I was willing to give everything I had to you, because I believed that you would at least love me back. And now you’re the hurt one. But guess what? I refuse to apologize for finally putting myself first.

I refuse to apologize for finally seeing my worth. For finally seeing that I’m so much more than just your girlfriend, that I’m so much more than just someone who’s supposed to dance around you and please you. And I deserve so much more than all that pain you gave me. I deserve that stupid kind of love that warms your body, that makes your stomach turn and gets you high. I deserve that stupid kind of love which doesn’t let you to take off that goofy smile from your face. I deserve love, but you gave me none of it.

I refuse to apologize for standing back on my own two feet again. For finally fighting against you, for finally giving up on the hope that you’d change, because it took me too long to realize that you never will. I refuse to apologize for finding the strength inside me, when I believed there was none of it left. For finding traces of my old myself somewhere deep inside, when it felt like you drowned her long ago. For finally walking away from your toxic love, when I should’ve done it long ago.

I refuse to apologize for falling in love with me. When you refused to do it, someone had to. When you weren’t able to see the beauty of my mind and heart, I did it. When you couldn’t see how amazing I was, I had to do it. And now you’re the hurt one. You had me for too long, but you could only see the things I could do for you. You could only see the ways of how could I boost your ego and how you could make fun of me once more.

Not once did you wonder if maybe I wanted to be kissed like there was no tomorrow. Not once did you wonder if maybe I wanted to feel beautiful next to you. Not once did you wonder if maybe, just maybe, I was the hurt one.

I refuse to apologize for choosing myself over you. For the first time in so long, for the first time after I met you, for the first time after I told you I loved you, I choose myself. For the first time, I choose my needs, my sanity and my heart over yours. And for the first time, I feel so damn good. I feel like I can do anything; I feel like writing an entire book in a week. I feel like jumping out of an airplane. I feel alive, something I haven’t felt in a long time.

I refuse to apologize for making myself a priority instead of you. I refuse to apologize for doing something I should’ve done long ago. For walking away from you, for saving what’s left of me. I refuse to apologize for building myself back up. The only person I should apologize to is me, for not doing it sooner. Because I’m truly, really sorry for staying with you, hoping you’d change. For giving you everything, but getting nothing in return. For loving you more than I loved myself, only so you could throw away that love. For making you my priority, when you made me your last resort. So, I refuse to apologize for finally putting myself first, because no one else is going to do it for me.