You Did Change Me After All

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was easy prey, and you were a predator.

Like a moth to a flame, you were drawn to me. To my new-found freedom, the new-found peace and calm and happiness that radiated from me, and you needed it. Because you didn’t have any of those qualities of your own.

You knew exactly how to dance around me, fluttering about, taking your time, giving me space, showing me and proving to me that you were everything I dreamed of, and I was the one you had spent your entire life looking for.

I had been down such an unhappy road before that everything around you and us shined like diamonds in the sky. The shine was so bright, it made it hard to see every crack in the fake surface of the mirror that you were, until there were so many cracks, your entire facade was broken and I could finally see you for what you were, and everything you would never be.

You are toxic, and dangerous to everyone around you. You are a shell of a human, and will never be a whole soul; you are just mostly emptiness, and pretend impressions.

But if you never know anything else in this life, please know this:

You may have temporarily broken me, but you didn’t destroy me.
I do not care about you anymore.

As a matter of fact, I wish I was completely unaware of your very existence on this earth.

I know that there are no words that I can write or speak that would affect you. You see, for that to happen, you would have to be at least part human, and by the trail of pain and destruction you have left throughout this world, it is obvious that you are not. There are no feelings of remorse or regret, there is no empathy for your actions. You are simply evil.

‘Be Careful Who You Trust, The Devil Was Once An Angel’.
Of course, I think about what I would say to you, if given the opportunity. You always told me I had a way with words that you had never experienced before. You hadn’t even experienced half of what I would say about you, to you, or around you. The truth is, it doesn’t matter. It would never change anything that happened between us, nor will it change how you treat people in the future.

If there was anything that I could say to you, it would be this:
The only thing you have given me is now knowing, for sure, what regret really is. I thought I knew before, but I was completely clueless. I had no idea I could be so angry at myself. I thought I was as strong as all the quotes and memes I had saved and inspired to be, but I learned I wasn’t. But I will be. Because of you, there is now a fire in me to change the world and how they perceive you and the ones like you. That it is a flame that will never die down.

It is not better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
If I could take every moment, every emotion, every tear I ever wasted on you, I would. If I could wipe the memory of you away from the children’s heads and hearts, I am pretty sure I would sell my own soul to do that. I will get through life. You have shown me that; look at you, happy and going on as if you have never done anything or anyone wrong, and you yourself have no soul. I would give mine up, to take it all back, EVERY SINGLE BIT OF IT.

I may have been broken for a short time, and you did change me, a part of me, forever but I am now someone who knows that there is a level of deception of lies, and imaginary projections of oneself, that I never knew was humanly possible. Because of you, I lost trust in myself, and my judgment of who deserves my kindness, my trust, my forgiveness, and my eagerness to help someone through this thing called life.

Although it is my career of choice, I have learned that it is not my job to fix everyone in my path.

You are nothing but a mirror. You have no self-identity, and I pity you for that. You have only succeeded in being able to reflect the wants and desires of the person you are manipulating and using. I would never even have called you a man anymore, as a real man would never treat people the way you do. You are simply a human that is genetically male.

I thought at one time that you were everything I never knew and I had always dreamed of. And you were, but they were not dreams of love and happiness; you turned out to be nothing but a nightmare.

So congratulations, you win, you broke me, you destroyed part of me, and you changed me. This prey will become a predator, and should you or anyone like you cross my path again, please know, I will destroy you.

I hope God forgives you for everything you have done, because I know that I never will…. Again.

by Kimberly Ponder