Remember; YOU ARE A VICTIM, HIS VIOLENCE ISN’T YOUR FAULT!

I live in a building along with a young couple is living. They arrived a few months ago. For the first few days, I saw them laughing and being happy. She didn’t work, stayed in the house, but he went to work (at least so I think). While I was sitting on the balcony  I saw them taking a walk each night.

After a few weeks, I noticed that she almost never came out. He would go and come home, and I didn’t see her at all. I thought that she has traveled somewhere, and then at midnight I heard a great noise from their apartment because they were living on the floor above me. They were arguing and it seemed to me that she was crying as she spoke: “Stop it.”

The next morning I saw her throwing the trash, but I was embarrassed to ask her what was happening.

I was taught not to interfere with the problems of others but this hasn’t been a good advice this time.

The rows continued for the next few days, becoming louder, things were breaking, and I began to feel scared and frightened.

One morning as she threw the garbage again, I could no longer be just a visitor, so I said quietly to her:

-What is going on? You don’t have to suffer, you know that?

She got angry.

The woman who hid her head from views, because she had a bruise over her right eye, and her hands were full of scratches, that woman was angry at me. She told me to look at my own business and that everyone has problems.

Perhaps I would turn around and go to the apartment, but she said a sentence that made me cry:

-I’M GUILTY! He wasn’t like this in the beginning….

I started crying and begging her to come with me to the apartment, because I know he will not be back yet.

Somehow I did. She came with me into the kitchen, without a lot of words I made coffee while she was sitting stiffly every second looking at her watch.

I knew she was afraid that he would come back and find her there with me.

At that moment I feared for her, I didn’t even think about myself. Only later did I begin to think what would happen if he found us there and how I would have gone through that jarring. Surely he wouldn’t be quiet.

She started telling her story by explaining that they had been dating for five years before they decided to marry. When they got married, his mother died and it hurt him a lot. He lost his old job and found a new one he wasn’t happy with. That’s why he was often nervous and would then argue with her. At first they were just rough words, and then they started kicking. The first blow came because she hasn’t prepared the dinner in time.

I cried as I listened to her story, not only because of it, but because she always found a justification for him. She would say something bad and then she would say:

HE WON’T DO IT AGAIN, HE PROMISED…

I know that she knew it was just empty words. I told her that she had to get out of it, that I would help her, but that before that step she must know the following:

1. NOBODY DESERVES VIOLENCE

If you lie something to him,  if you don’t do something – you don’t deserve the violence. Because of your words, because of your actions, for everything – you do not deserve violence. There is nothing that can justify violence. You are a strong woman and you can do much, you are not born for this! Your parents didn’t raise you for this!

2. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT!

No, you’re not guilty of a single bad word, and surely not for a blow! Today is a quarrel, a threat tomorrow, and for a couple of days, the blows will lead you to death. You have the right to life without it. Don’t blame yourself for his behavior. It’s HIM and his character. Things are getting solved differently.

3. DON’T GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!

He insulted you and called you with bad names, and then promised he wouldn’t do it again. After a couple of days, he hit you and promised again. What are you waiting for? Are you waiting to end up in the hospital because of him, and he will give you the same promises until the worst thing: you will die to stop it?

No! He has no right to another chance. Maybe he’s a good worker, a good friend, a good son, but he is NOT GOOD for you and he cannot do this. Leave him!

4. YOU HAVE A PLACE TO GO TO

I know you’re scared, but nothing keeps you bonded to him. You have parents and friends you can come back to. You have a hundred organizations involved in preventing violence against women. Call them and dangle at their door. No one will make you go back. Don’t believe him when he says your life is only by his side and you don’t  have anywhere to go to. You have, I’ll help you!

5. YOU ARE A VICTIM

He’s a BILLY  and you’re a VICTIM. Being a victim is not your shame nor your guilt. Nobody blames you for it and you can loudly say that you are a victim. People need to know what he is and don’t hide his bad deeds.

After our conversation, she went to her apartment. I saw her bringing her suitcase and stopping the taxi. I watched her from the balcony. She turned, waving and silently said,

THANK YOU!

Later, I heard that she got married again and had children. I see him all alone, he even lost his job.

Violence against women needs to be constantly talked about. They teach us not to interfere with the problems of others, but we cannot close our eyes at violence. We have to do something. If you see any sign of violence, talk to these people or call people who need to solve it. The woman is not guilty of violence, she is a victim and everyone deserves a happy life. Violence cannot be justified, irrelevant of what someone is doing or says to someone, another person has no right to raise his hand. Such people need help and for you to tell them they are not alone. These women are very scared and blame themselves for everything. The least we can do to begin helping them is writing these texts.