I’m Letting You Go Because I Can’t Fight Alone Anymore

How do you walk away when there’s still love? How do you force yourself to let go of the only thing that matters to you? How can I give up on you, when I still love you madly? I don’t want to, you know I don’t.

I want to grow old with you. I want to walk down the aisle with you. I want to make a home with you. But I can’t.

I can’t keep on fighting for your love. I know you care for me. I know that you want me, too. But I can’t settle down knowing that you and I both deserve more than this. We both deserve to be loved and to feel like it. We both deserve to live in harmony, instead of this chaos of ours. I wouldn’t mind living the rest of my life in chaos with you, as long as I knew you wanted it,too. And the truth is, I don’t. Right now, I don’t know whether you want me by your side or not. And I can’t keep on living in fear that you might leave.

I can’t keep on fighting for you. I’m not supposed to fight for you. Not after all we’ve been through. Do you remember how it once was? How madly in love we were when we just met? How our passion endured those long winters we were separated? How our love was strong enough to keep us warm? How we were happy? Our love was never supposed to be a memory. Our love was supposed to thrive and survive. What happened? What happened to us?

I can’t keep on wondering when you’re going to leave. I love you, you know I do. I’m fighting for you, for us, but I can’t keep on fighting if I’m alone. I need you by my side. I need you to show me that you still care. I need something more than this silence you trapped us in. I need you to scream back at me, so I can see that you’re still in there. That the man who made me feel like I’m the most amazing woman alive is still there. That the man who used to say: ‘Screw the world, we’re the only thing that matters’ still feels the same. I need you to show me that there’s still love in you.

I can’t keep on dying next to you. How many nights have I spent wide awake, watching you sleeping and wondering what the hell is going on in your head? How many days have I spent on the edge of my nerves, not knowing whether I would come back to an empty house? How many times have I hugged and kissed just the ‘statue’ of the man I love with every piece of me? How many times have I fallen apart and you didn’t even notice? You got lost in your own hell and shut me out. But honey, I’d fight both the Devil and God for you if you’d only show me that you wanted me to.

I can’t keep on fighting for us. I need you to fight for us too, I need you to fight for me. I need you to fight with me against the world. I can’t keep on fighting alone—this is not what love is about. This is not what I deserve. You know it’s not. I’m sorry, but I can’t keep on hoping you’ll come around when you’ve showed me nothing but distance. I can’t keep on hoping that your walls will tumble down when you keep on building them thicker and higher every day. I can’t keep on hoping that the man I fell in love with will come back when I haven’t seen him in ages. I love you. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t put myself aside so you can thrive. I can’t stay with you if we’re not bringing out the best in each other. I’d rather live alone then drag you down with me.