I Only Settled For This Almost Relationship Because I Was Afraid To Tell You I Wanted More

From the moment we met, we had some type of on and off thing. I never knew where we stood and we never actually labeled things. At first, we were something similar to friends and then it turned out to be something more. And from that moment on, we just continued to go with the flow, without ever thinking of the consequences. You would randomly come into my life whenever you felt like it and you would leave me the same way. But that was something I couldn’t blame only you for. That was something I allowed you to do and something I pretended to be OK with.

We both just allowed ourselves to be led by passion. I guess we became friends with benefits or something similar to that. But whatever you like to call this thing between us, the fact is that it was never a relationship. It was something in-between, something that we never knew or wanted to label. The best term for everything that has been happening between us is an almost relationship. It is almost friendship, almost romance and almost love.

I know you’ve always thought that we both wanted the same things. I know we never really discussed our status but I always behaved like I was more than OK with things being this way. I never mentioned I wanted something more and I acted like our almost relationship was exactly what I needed in life.

Well, it’s time for me to burst your bubble and to tell you the truth. I am sure this is something you don’t want to hear. It is possible that this is something you already know but you decided to act like it’s not there. But it’s also something I can’t live with anymore, something that has been eating me alive for quite some time now and something I have to tell you.

The truth is that I have some deeper feelings for you. The truth is that I love you and that I am not satisfied with things being like this. The truth is that I want to have a real relationship with you.

But that is something I was always afraid to tell you.

I was scared to tell you that this almost relationship was hurting me, that it was something I got stuck in and that it was never enough for me. I was scared to tell you I wanted more because I’ve always been sure that this almost relationship was more than enough for you. My ego didn’t let me tell you the truth because I was afraid you’d reject me and that you’d ridicule my feelings for you. You know I’ve always acted as this tough girl who had little emotions. But that is far from the truth. I am actually a vulnerable girl who loves you and who always wanted for you to love her back. But I guess I was afraid I’d lose you completely if I admitted my true feelings for you.

And the only thing that this brought me was pain. Yes, we had some beautiful moments but even in those moments, I was lying to myself that we were something more and that was the only way for me to be truly happy. But as soon as I would get back to reality, my heart would break all over again.

And I don’t want for my heart to break anymore. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. And I don’t want any more crumbs of your love and attention. I thought this was something I could handle but I was obviously mistaken.

This is me admitting to you that I want more. And this is me making a choice that I don’t want this half love or half relationship anymore and this is me moving on from our almost relationship. Yes, I will suffer without you in my life. But I am suffering this way much more. If I leave now, I will be in pain and I will miss you. But I am sure of one thing—it will go away in time. On the other hand, if I stay by your side, I will stay trapped in this never-ending circle of you not giving me yourself completely and of me wanting more. And that is something I can’t take anymore.

And if you think you can’t give me that more I crave, please let me go. I don’t want you to tell me you want a real relationship with me just to keep me around and just to stop me from leaving. I want for you to want it as well. But if that is something you can’t picture having with me, I will understand. And if this is the case, please leave me alone to fight my own pain.

Because it’s better for me not to have you at all than to have you like this.