In The End, The Only Thing I Regret Is Loving You More Than I Loved Myself
I don’t regret meeting you, I regret letting you consume me. How can I regret meeting someone who made me feel like I’m flying? How could I regret ever meeting you, when you were the one who shaped me? It wasn’t your love that did that, to be honest. It was the way you consumed me.
I let you to consume my energy, my emotions and my love. I let your toxic love poison mine because I believed that the man I fell in love with will come back. I believed that my love is stronger than yours. But it never was.
I don’t regret choosing you, I regret choosing you over myself. When I love, I don’t hold back any of it. If I love you, I love the way you smile, I love the way you breathe, I love the way that vein pops up on your forehead when you’re angry. I love how wrinkles appear around your eyes when you laugh from the heart.
And I love the fact that I get to choose you every single day. But I chose you over myself.
I chose your wellbeing to come before mine. I chose to fight your demons before mine. I chose to save you, only to destroy myself.
I don’t regret making you my priority, I regret believing you’ll do the same. Silly me, right? I believed that if I show you that I care enough, you’ll care about me too. I thought that if I love you hard enough, that my love will somehow heal you. I regret hoping that you’ll change, because it broke my heart every single time you would turn away. It would break my heart every single night that I fell asleep alone. It broke my heart every morning I would spend alone in our kitchen, knowing you didn’t care enough about me to come home, knowing that I’m not your priority—I’m just one of the choices you never made.
I don’t regret that I let you in, I regret letting you destroy me. I will never regret letting you in, because for a while, what we had was amazing and special. For a while I was the happiest woman alive. For a while, I actually had the reason to believe that you love me, that you will let me in the way I let you. I just regret that I let your words pierce through my heart. I let your comments destroy my confidence.
I let your behavior break me on daily basis because you only cared about yourself. I regret that I knew what you were doing to me, but I still hoped you will stop. I still hoped that I could change that, if I just try a little harder. But fixing other people should never come with the price of my own sanity.
I don’t regret loving you, I regret trusting you with my heart. Maybe, if I walked away sooner, I wouldn’t be broken. Maybe if I decided to put myself first, to choose myself over you sooner, I wouldn’t be destroyed. But I stayed, I hoped and I loved. I trusted you with my heart, only to see you drop it. I trusted you with my life, only to see you destroy it. I trusted you with us, only to see you walk away.
I don’t regret giving you everything I had, because I gained much more. I gave you my heart, my body and my mind. I gave you my sanity. And you threw them all away. You destroyed my mind, poisoned my heart and bruised my soul. But I’m now stronger than you will ever be. I love myself in ways you never could. I own my story and I respect my scars. I know what I am.
I know how amazing and tough I am. I know that those bruises will heal, I know that poison can be sucked out. I know that I can rebuild myself, no matter how hard you try to destroy me. Because, finally, I know my worth. Finally, I can say that I regret nothing, because everything I did after you, was for me. Everything that I am now is what I always wanted to be.